I hope the Grateful Dead are right

I hope the first days are the hardest days. The past 24 hours have been an emotional whirlwind. Yesterday nurse wonderful called me at work to give me the blood test results. She said "it isn't good" and told me my HCG level fell from 271 on Tuesday to 218 yesterday. They will get us right back on the wagon as soon as we go through this process. "How long?" I asked. 5 or 6 days until I start bleeding and then probably three weeks until my cycle starts again. We can go for it again that cycle. Great. But that seems so far away - March if you add it all up. I hung up the phone, called Dana immediately and had only time to leave a message before a 1:30 conference call. No time to process it all, not to mention keeping myself together while at work.

It was 2:30 before I even had time to eat lunch and my sweet girl brought me my favorite veggies from Lupie's Cafe. It was still sinking in. At 5:00 it did not seem like the weekend. Not much to look forward to.

When I got in the car, Dana was waiting with a dozen roses. We both broke down and cried for the first time. We talked. We cried some more. I know this is for the best. Something was probably wrong with the little poppy seed, but nonetheless, there is still pain.

I've thought perhaps it was all too easy for us. Then I get frustrated that this whole process really isn't easy for any of us. We were just lucky on the first try, but it still takes oodles of planning, finding a sperm source, blood testing, and multiple visits to the doctor. And then I wonder why the powers that be would hit any of us with a doubly whammy. 1) It is hard enough to conceive and 2) when you do, then you have to make it through without miscarrying. This goes for any woman with infertility issues, not just those of us who are lumped into that category because we have no readily available sperm.

Oscillating in between all of those feelings, I have experienced moments of calm and acceptance. Those are the best moments. Hopefully they will become the predominate moments and all of this will slowly fade away. In the end, I am sure the instant our child comes into this world none of this will matter and we will have forgotten about it all. I cannot wait for that day to arrive.