Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Congrats

Congrats to Chronicles of Conception on the birth of their baby boy, Lachlan Grae!

Sunday, December 7, 2008

The Birth Story

Exactly one week and one day ago our little guy came into this world. It seemed time crept slowly the weeks and days before as we anticipated his arrival. Now that he is here, each hour flies by and I already find myself reminiscing about when he was younger and smaller.

In the early hours of Sunday, November 30th, I was awoken with menstrual-like cramps. For the preceding days I had what I describe as "baby cramps" so when I woke up for the first time at 1:30 A.M. I didn't think much of it. I went back to sleep only to wake up at 2:30 A.M. again. I was able to go back to sleep once more but at 3:30 A.M. I knew I would not be able to go back to sleep and I told Dana I was up and awake until Miller arrived.

I then spent about an hour and a half or so in a warm bath. At that time the contractions were much like the strongest menstrual cramps I had ever experienced but completely tolerable. Dana began timing them and we ascertained they were anywhere from 6 or 7 minutes to 10 or 12 minutes apart. We decided we would wait until 6:00 A.M. to call our doula.

At 6:00 A.M. Dana called our doula, who returned a day early from her Thanksgiving vacation because she thought I might go into labor Thanksgiving weekend and wanted to be here for us (she did have a backup doula lined up.) We were so thankful for our doula's early return because she was such a great part of our successful birth. Our doula arrived at our house around 7:30 A.M.

My contractions began growing more intense and a bit closer together, although not completely regular and varying between 3 minutes and 6 or 7 minutes. Our doula said this was completely normal. We spent most of our time in the den, and with each contraction I would lean over the back of the couch or sit on the birthing ball while Dana and our doula rubbed my back.

At 11:30 A.M. Dana and our doula decided we would assess our departure for the hospital around 12:00 noon. Shortly after 12:00, our doula decided it was time for us to go to the hospital, especially since I was Group B Strep positive and had to get a round of antibiotics a few hours before delivery. At that point, I was ready to go.

Once in the car, I climbed in the back seat with a few pillows and put on my headphones to listen to one of my hypnobabies CDs. The ride to the hospital seemed excruciatingly long. Once at the hospital, I was quickly sent to triage to be checked. The nurse ascertained I was 6-7 cm dilated and I was immediately admitted.

Once in the labor and delivery room, our doula gave the two nurses our birth plan. In the end, both the nurses were wonderful. However, at the outset one of the nurses, Daniella, seemed a little curt. She insisted on an order from the doctor to allow me to labor in the tub or to walk around. The doctor of course consented so there were no issues. We learned later my labor that Daniella was in midwifery school and completely supportive of natural childbirth. In the last minutes before Miller's birth, she was greatly supportive.

One of the nurses inserted an IV in my arm and started the antibiotics for Group B Strep. I was then able to get into the bathtub where I labored for the next few hours. Dana and our doula took turns spraying warm water on my back. After about an hour, the IV was taken out and a hep lock left in my arm. I continued to labor in the tub. Probably about 3:00 I wanted to get out of the tub. I was beginning to get very uncomfortable and I even once asked "remind me why I want to do this without an epidural?" Daniella responded "because it will be a great experience."

Once out of the tub I sat on the toilet, which seemed comfortable for a short period of time. Once I sat down, I felt what I describe as a water balloon popping and then a gush of fluid. I looked down and the fluid was discolored. My water had broken and it was confirmed that Miller passed meconium in utero. This meant that I would not be able to hold him directly after the delivery because he would need to be assessed by a special team and suctioned to ensure that he did not ingest any of the meconium. Although our birth plan contemplated Miller being placed directly on my chest, we of course only wanted what was best for the little guy.

At some point shortly thereafter I have to admit I began asking for some pain relief. Our doula suggested the nurse check me to see how much I had progressed and I agreed. I climbed into bed. The nurse checked me and told me I was 8 1/2 to 9 cm dilated. I again asked for some pain relief. I remember looking up at Dana, our doula and the nurses but no one seemed to respond to my request. I have no idea how much time passed, but the next thing I really remember is Daniella announcing I was complete and could push.

I began to push and pushed for about 20 minutes before the on call doctor arrived, who had been delivering another baby. I do remember the nurse preparing to deliver the baby because it was very possible that the doctor would not be able to make it in time for the delivery. The pain at this point was entirely different but I can say my body knew when to push. I pushed for what I am told was an hour but time seemed to stand still. I remember watching Miller come into this world and then being taken to a station in the room to make sure all was well. Dana was with him and within a few minutes, he was on my chest. Our doula helped me with his first latch and he immediately began breast feeding.

Any discomfort and any pain have been fading from my memory day by day. Without a doubt I would do it all over again and I would not change a thing about Miller's birth. It was one of the best days of my life.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Miller's First Days

So far, so good, even if a bit sleep deprived. We fall more in love with our little guy each passing hour. Birth story to come soon, I promise. Until then, I leave you with a few pictures of Miller's first days.

Monday, December 1, 2008

It's Miller TIme


Miller made his grand entrance into this world yesterday at 4:50 P.M. We are in love with our little guy and are still on cloud nine. More birth story to come later but here is a short synopsis:
Moderate contractions started around 3:30 A.M.
Called our doula at 6:00 A.M.
Doula arrived at our house at 7:30 A.M.
Labored at home until 12:30.
Arrived at the hospital at 1:00 P.M. I was approximately 6-7 cm dilated.
After a drug free labor, Miller was born at 4:50 P.M.
6 lbs, 15 oz. 19 inches long.
He is breastfeeding like a champ!

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Is this it?

For the past few days I have been waiting for a sure sign that Miller's arrival is imminent. Yesterday I was "crampier" that I have been the past few days and had plenty of Braxton Hicks contractions. At about 1:30 A.M. this morning I woke up to more menstrual like cramps but tried to go back to sleep for a while. At 3:30 I decided I could no longer sleep through the "cramps" so I got myself out of bed and into the bathtub. These "cramps" have been coming about every 4 to 5 minutes.

Dana is making pancakes at my request and the plan is to let our doula sleep until at least 5:30 or 6:00 A.M. I would like to stay at home as long as possible but I do have to get to the hospital in time to receive antibiotics as I am Group B Strep positive. We will keep you all posted. I hope this isn't all in my head!

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Progress

As of our OB appointment late this afternoon, I am 3 cm dilated and 90 percent effaced. The OB says he would be surprised if Miller didn't make his grand entrance sometime within the next week. Now we wait....

Friday, November 21, 2008

The Countdown

Here we are at 37+ weeks. Time seems to have flown by and it seems like just a short time ago we were choosing our donor and being inseminated. I can't believe we're almost to the finish line. However, the closer we get, the more the days seem to pass slowly. I admit that I am highly unmotivated at work and the next days and weeks are increasingly hard, especially when I have to account for my life in 6 minute increments because I am a slave to the billable hour.

All tasks here at home are complete. All clothes sized through 9 months have been washed, newborn cloth diapers have been washed and wool covers lanolized, nursery is finished and Miller's bag is packed for the hospital. Our doula came over for our last home visit earlier this week and we have friends on call to care for the dogs and the rabbit until my mom arrives. I've been continuing to practice my self-hypnosis and follow my hypnobabies maintenance schedule. Now all that is left is to bring our little guy home!

In the coming days I will keep all you posted on any progress. This pregnancy has been so unremarkable overall, that I often feel like I don't have anything to report. I have no complaints, even now late in the third trimester. Sure, I am a little more uncomfortable and move a little more awkwardly, but nothing I am unable to tolerate. As a matter of fact, I'm still going to the gym and went last night. On Sunday we took the dogs for a three mile day hike. Hopefully this continued activity will all help the labor and delivery to go as smoothly as the pregnancy and that my karma won't run out!

Type to you all soon...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

We Matched!

For the past few weeks we have been diligently reviewing au pair profiles and discussing the qualities we want in an au pair. Initially, we saw many profiles that interested us but not one that really stood out. A couple of weeks ago we came across two girls that impressed us so we moved forward with interviewing the two. I first called au pair canidate and was very impressed. Canidate #1 is a 24 year old from Argentenia and she was previously an au pair in Richmond, Virginia for two years before returning home to study fashion. She spoke fluent English and was very mature. I was able to speak with her former host mother shortly thereafter and the host mother gave her glowing reviews. After my conversation with canidate #1 and her former host mother, I felt like we couldn't go wrong with her.

Canidate #2's profile immediately resonated with us. While she is a bit younger at 19 years old, she is a festival-loving vegetarian who seems to have a real free spirit and love of life. Canidate #2 is Polish but lives close to the German boarder and is also fluent in German. Did I mention that her step-father owns a pub in Germany? The moment I began speaking with her on the phone, I was overwhelmed by her enthusiasm and felt a real connection. One of the first questions she asked was if we had a name for our child. After I told her that his name will be Miller, she called him by name and was very confident in her ability to care for him. After our conversation ended I was torn. Canidate #1 would be a sure bet but there was something about Canidate #2 that I loved.

Dana's turn to call. Dana first spoke with Canidate #2. When she got off the phone with her, Dana said she did not know how Canidate #1 would be able to top Canidate #2. Dana was also impressed with Canidate #2 and agreed her personality would really fit with us. After all, she will be living with us for a year. Dana spoke with Canidate #1 the next night and was also impressed. She too felt good about Canidate #1's prior experience. Neither Dana nor I thought we would have such luck with our first two interviews. We had no idea what to do.

We took the weekend to mull over our decision. Our gut told us Canidate #2, but the matching expert at the agency steered us toward Canidate #1. We asked friends at our baby shower about our delima and everyone we asked told us to go with the Canidate that fit with us the best. Late Saturday night Dana and I talked and confirmed that our gut told both of us that Canidate #2 was the best choice for us. We made our decision and we felt good about it. For reassurance, I called our local area director who works for the au pair agency and she confirmed that we should go with our gut feeling. She agreed that Canidate #2 seemed to be a good fit.

On Monday I called Canidate #2 to officially ask her if she would come live with us for the year beginning in February. She told us she very much wanted to but her mother, who is a doctor, was concerned about her taking care of a three month old. Canidate #2 has experience taking care of children six months old and up, but not three months old. However, Canidate #2 was confident in her abilities to take care of Miller as are we. We had a good conversation and Canidate #2 acknowledged that ultimately this was her decision - but she wanted her mother's approval. I conveyed to her that I did completely understand because I am very close to my mother and in the past when making such large decisions, I too sought her blessing. I told Canidate #2 we would pay for her to take an infant first aid and CPR class at the hospital as well as an infant care class. I explained to her that Dana and I will only be a phone call away and told her about our emergency 911 system. Canidate #2 was not hesitant about her possible duties and responsibilities but instead exuded confidence; she just needed a persusaive argument to take back to her mother. We agreed to speak again yesterday.

When I called yesterday I was thrilled to hear that Canidate #2 now had her mother's blessing and she was elated to be able to tell us yes. We couldn't be happier with our choice and are very hopefull that our year with Canidate #2 will be a wonderful experience. Perhaps we will be able to make a trip over to that German pub....

Friday, October 10, 2008

Aloha!

Yes, it has been a while since my last post. I have a good excuse. We have now officially gone on and returned from our "babymoon" - seven wonderful days in Hawaii. I will post some pictures as soon as I upload them to my computer. I promise. We're now settling in for the home stretch - just seven more weeks to go until I am full term, nine more to go until our due date. Many times I am left wondering where all the time went because it seems to have slipped by so quickly.

To avoid a gruesomely long post, here is what is happening in our world:
  • Nursery - Dana took this on as her project and it is nearly complete. It looks wonderful and I will post pictures soon.
  • The cloth diapers we ordered have arrived. Anyone with any cloth diapering tips, suggestions for washing, etc., please feel free to share.
  • I passed the three hour glucose test!
  • We have moved into the realm of OB appointments every two weeks. Soon we'll have an appointment every week.
  • This Sunday is week 5 of 6 of our HypnoBabies class. I love HypnoBabies and highly reccomend the class. Hopefully all the work and practice will pay off when our little guy decides to arrive.
  • We took a breastfeeding class at the hospital a few weeks ago. Definitely worthwhile. We are signed up for an infant first aid and CPR class in a couple of weeks.
  • Our au pair paperwork is finished and we are now in the process of sorting through au pair applications. We think this is the route will we take for child care for the first year because I will have to go back to work after my 12 week maternity leave. Any thoughts or advice in this area is welcome.
More to come later....

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

I Failed

Last Thursday I took the one hour glucose tolerance test. The bad news call came today from the nurse - I failed and have to take the three hour glucose tolerance test on Friday. Actually she said my results were "abnormal." The thought that I could have gestational diabetes has been upsetting to me because I have no high risk factors - I was not overweight pre-pregnancy, I have no history of diabetes, I exercise, I am a vegetarian who eats very healthily (few sweets and I try to keep the carbs to a minimum). What the heck? I realize I am over reacting a bit because most women do actually pass the three hour test, but I am a worrier. Sigh....

Monday, September 8, 2008

Hypnobabies

After much research on various birthing classes, we decided to enroll in Hypnobabies. For a myriad of reasons, I hope to have a drug-free child birth, but I also recognize the need for flexibility in our birth plan. Regardless, I think Hypnobabies will provide me with the best tools and the confidence to bring Miller into this world in the most natrual way possible.

In preparation for the first class, the instructor provided a CD that would begin introducing the self-hypnotizing process and basics. I must admit the instructions were to listen everyday, but out of the past couple of weeks, I only found time to listen a handfull of times. I know I must be better about this moving forward if I really am to dedicate myself to this program. Life just gets so busy sometimes.

Yesterday was our first class. There are two other couples in the class and I really like the intimate nature such a small class provides. We will meet for five Sundays, three hours each session. Each day I have "homework" to complete - either listening to various scripts from CDs or having Dana read me a hypnosis script. Thus far I have really been impressed with the power of the mind and I am very encouraged and enthusiasic. This was definitely the right choice for us and I will keep you all posted on the progress.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Things Not To Say To a Pregnant Woman





Dana and I took a few extra days off surrounding the long Labor Day weekend and made our annual trip to Fisher's Island, New York, to visit my aunt who summers there. We absolutely love the island, especially this time of year, when fall in New England begins to make its arrival. Our days are spent taking long walks, spending time at the beach, and just relaxing...except for the social engagements. Oh, the social engagements. Sigh. You see, on this very quaint and beautiful six mile island there are not one but two country clubs. My aunt is a member of one, the "little club", but desperately wants to be a member of the "big club" which has about a ten year waiting list just to be "put up" by a current member and be considered. What does this mean for us? It means everything we do or wear is scrutinized. It means my aunt is completely obsessed with what other people might think.

Years ago when I first came out my aunt told my mother I could continue visiting her on the island, but I couldn't bring any of my "gay" friends for fear she might not get into the "big club." Things have changed a bit, and my aunt not only invites Dana and me to visit, but she is very generous in her own way with us. Once we get there, we are wined and dined and given a few hundred dollars in cash upon our departure. So, please note we are not ungrateful for her show of kindness.

However, I had a breakdown on the first full day we were there as we were preparing to go to the "little club" for lunch. Dana and I came in from a walk, she looked me up and down and said, "don't you have any cute clothes? Something that wouldn't show your stomach as much?" Excuse me? I am six and a half months pregnant and you want me to hide my stomach? Are you kidding? She then attempted to insist that we go down to the one boutique shop so she could buy me an appropriate shirt. Let me say that I was wearing new maternity khaki shorts and a white maternity V-neck, long sleeve shirt, with my beach appropriate Chaco flip-flops. Oh, and the boutique shop does not sell maternity wear. Even if it did, I am highly doubtful that I could find anything in that store I actually might wear. Needlepoint belts with the Fisher's Island likeness aren't exactly my style, not to mention I could never afford to spend $100 on any one item of clothing or accessory alone. I digress....

She next wanted to know if we had anything more appropriate to wear to lunch at the "big club" on Sunday as we had been invited as guests. Something more colorful she said, because the people there look a little more suave. Perhaps a skirt or a dress she suggested. Not only was I in a bind now, but Dana did not bring any skirts or dresses as neither one of us regularly wear (or even own) such items. I walked back to our room and had a breakdown. I cried for a short while, pulled myself together, put on the most frumpy mauve shirt I had with my shorts, and passed for appropriate. I wore that shirt multiple times the next few days.

Fast forward to dinner Saturday night. While at dinner (at the little club of course) my aunt proceeds to tell me that my own mother and her best friend forewarned her that I was "big." Again, I am six and a half months pregnant. I have this an issue with the weight I've gained in the first place, so telling me I am big does not help me feel good about myself. In case you are wondering, I have gained about 25 pounds, so I now weight about 140. It isn't like I am sitting around eating bon bons and watching T.V. I am still working out, staying active, and eating well. I'm still a vegetarian, and I still (usually) don't eat desserts (except while on vacation!) When I questioned my mother about this comment she said, "well, you are big." Don't say these things to a pregnant woman. It is not a compliment.

On the bright side, Dana and I had many long walks together under the blue New England sky and a whole afternoon to ourselves at the beach. The weather was cool and the breeze brought hints of fall. Being there always makes me long for the three years I spent in Vermont. We even spent one evening sailing around the island (see pic of Dana above). Overall, we came home relaxed and a bit rejuvenated, but I think we're skipping the annual Fisher's Island trip next year, especially given we'll have a little one in tow.



Sunday, August 24, 2008

A small Sacre

I started bleeding yesterday, not severely, but enough to be concerned. After calling the on-call nurse at my OB practice, I was immediately sent to Labor and Delivery at the hospital. Scary. I don't want to be in Labor and Delivery for at least twelve more weeks. Three hours of monitoring both the little guy and me and a few lab tests later, they sent us home with instructions to rest and follow up with my OB on Monday. The bleeding has now completely stopped and I feel fine. Whew....

Monday, July 28, 2008

Half Way There

Last week marked 20 weeks. 20 more to go (give or take of course.) What does this mean? The halfway point put me in a panic because we really have not done much to prepare. Don't get me wrong, this little guy has clothes to wear for the first 24 months of his life, courtesy of my wonderful mother (can you tell he will be the first grandchild?) But he has nothing else. He won't be naked, but he has no cloth diapers or crib in which to sleep. Where do we begin?

We decided on colors for the nursery this weekend and we went to our local Sherwin Williams store - they will mix any of their paint colors in their Harmony latex paints which contain no VOCs - but it was closed on Sunday so we'll have to go back next weekend. My mother is coming next week to help shop for some essentials like a stroller, car seat, etc. I refuse to shop at Toys R Us and Babies R Us because they got a "do not buy" rating from the HRC in the 2008 Buying For Equality Guide. I just can't bring myself to shop there. At least Target gets the green light from the Buying Guide.

Then there are the items we want that I have no source for locally, like an organic crib mattress and organic crib sheets. I've already resigned to buying a crib online because I don't want a crib with any pressed wood, which contains high amounts of formaldehyde. If you are interested, see this article. Even FEMA (surprise) has admitted the trailers provided to Katrina victims were toxic to those living in them because of high levels of formaldehyde in the pressed wood and plywood used in constructing the trailers. The same pressed woods and plywoods are used in making many cribs, even higher end cribs. Do you realize how much it costs to try make environmentally sound choices for both our baby and mother nature? Geez-O-Pete! I'm getting off my soap-box now...

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Congrats!

Congrats to Love Makes A Family and Cutest Little Babymakers In Town for their new arrivals, Owen and Theo!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

All Is Well

We just finished our level II ultrasound at the perientologist and not only did our little guy measure right on target, all organs looked perfect, including the heart - so much so that he said we did not need to come back for our scheduled ultrasound in August. Hooray! We have an OB appointment in just over an hour and then we're finished with appointments for this month.

I can't explain the complete relief I feel at this moment. In the past hour I have fully let my worries and fears go and am now 110% attached to this little guy incubating inside me. Not that I wasn't attached before today's good news, but I held a part of me back, just in case something was developmentally wrong and not correctable. My heart is now fully open and loves this little guy more than I could ever imagine. I truly can't wait to meet him.

On Monday we toured the women's center at the hospital where we will deliver. The womens' center opened only a couple of years ago and is practically brand new. The birthing and postpartum rooms are intended to be "spa-like" with jacuzzi tubs, hardwood floors, beds for partners, and other amenities. While not quite spa standards, it is as close as it gets for a hospital and we were very impressed with the facilities. They even have lactation consultants on staff that come to the room shortly after the birth to help begin breastfeeding. Of course our doula will be with us as well.

I debated whether to share our little guy's name in the blogoshpere world or abbreviate it as some do, but Dana and I agreed to share it as long as we withhold the last name. Drum roll...our little guy's name will be....Miller! Miller was my great uncle, my beloved grandmother's brother. Dana and I had no trouble agreeing on this name and it just fit from the moment it was spoken. Miller!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Like Sands Through The Hour Glass

It seems that every post in recent memory starts with my apology for not blogging more. But, that's just how the days of our lives go - rather unremarkable and not much to report. Work has me billing lots of hours and working from home most nights after leaving the office. With the less than stellar economy, I am trying to ensure my job security.

Here we are, nearly 17 full weeks, and I feel fine, just a bit bigger. My belly is starting to round out a bit more and my pants not only do not button but they do not zip either. Thank goodness for the Bella Band. Maternity clothes will follow shortly.

The little guy's movements are subtle and sporadic - but I can feel them. He is probably moving around all the time, I just can't feel them all yet. We have received a plethora of clothes from my mother and he's officially got an easter outfit sized for 24 months, which strikes me as funny not only because that will be two and a half years away, but also because we don't really celebrate Easter specifically - we're Unitarian Universalists. The only real purchase we've made recently are pee pee tee pees. Target overwhelms me and I have no idea where to start with any of the other necessities, but know we really need to start thinking about them. December will be here before we know it.

Next week we have two appointments - one level II ultrasound at the Maternal and fetal Medicine Clinic and an appointment with our OB. We have also scheduled a tour of the women's center at the hospital where we will be delivering the little guy. Wow. I am even getting overwhelmed typing this because there is so much to do in the coming months. I do have priorities, though. I have planned our "babymoon" and at the end of September we'll be going to Hawaii for a week. Three nights on Oahu and four nights on the Big Island. If any of you have ever been there, I am definitely up for suggestions and recommendations!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

Phew!

Shortly after 5 P.M. yesterday the Maternal and Fetal Medicine Clinic called. The little one has 46 chromosomes, no more, no less! What a weight lifted off our shoulders. AND...results showed XY - definitively a BOY! We still have a level II ultrasound in July at the Clinic and another in early August as well as an echocardiogram to take a close look at the heart and all other organs and systems to make sure all are functioning properly. I'd be remiss if I didn't say I still have some worry left in me, but knowing our little one is free of any abnormalities caused by missing or excessive chromosomes - abnormalities that have no chance for modern medicine to remedy - is a wonderful, wonderful feeling. Finally we can relax a bit this weekend and start planning for our little guy's arrival.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Scared

I know I have been an absentee blogger lately. Honestly, I've had a hard time talking about our pregnancy to anyone. I am scared. Scared something might be wrong. Scared to love this little being anymore than I do already. Scared to become too attached. Scared to plan for our future with a child. And the more I talk about it or put it into words, the more real it becomes and the more I love the growing soul inside me. I am scared to love something I might lose.

I am filled with anxiety, stress, fear and hope. I have panned the internet searching for nuchal translucency measurements like mine and most of my reading tells me the statistics are on our side. But the genetic counselor I spoke with last week failed to reassure me of this. She continued to tell me the 2.4mm measurement was high and she couldn't give me any statistics or numbers.

If we get the all-clear for chromosomal defects, we still have to wait until July for an echocardiogram and ultrasound to check for heart defects. And the another in August. All I want to do is enjoy this time, and I don't feel like I can yet. Hopefully soon....

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

No FISH Today

FISH results were supposed to be back today - by 10AM. 10 AM came and went - no results. I called the genetic counselor at the clinic and was informed that the lab is in New Mexico and their system says my test is still "in the lab." I called back at 3PM - still no results. This was only supposed to take 48 hours but we had to wait until today due to the holiday weekend.

The genetic counselor just called. Apparently the lab did not have enough of a sample to get FISH, the quick results that reveal Downs Syndrome and a few other common syndromes. The genetic counselor said the lab will not sacrifice FISH results for the full battery of test/results, which include any chromosomal abnormalities that would have been included in the FISH results. So, we'll have to wait the full two weeks for any answers. I'm not very patient when it comes to these things. Sigh....

Friday, May 23, 2008

A Small Bump In Road

Our OB offered us non-invasive screening for Downs Syndrome. I am only 33 so he did not push it at all but left the decision and option completely up to us. We decided to go through with the screening, anticipating the results would of course be clear.

Yesterday morning we went to the Maternal and Fetal Medicine clinic that our OB referred us to for the screen. The screen itself is the nuchal translucency screening test, which uses ultrasound to measure the fluid behind the baby's neck. The end result is a measurement, in millimeters. The thicker or bigger the measurement, the higher risk the baby has for having Downs Syndrome or other chromosomal abnormalities. Normally this measurement is combined with a blood test to give a statistic, i.e. you have a 1 in 350 chance of having a baby with Downs Syndrome.

Our measurement was 2.4 which is in the "upper range" according to the doctor. They like to see around 1.4 or 1.5. Over 3.0 indicates a significantly high risk for Downs. Our measurement was borderline. So much so that they didn't even proceed to draw blood but instead gave us the option of doing a CVS or amniocentesis. The amnio cannot be performed for weeks but the CVS could be performed immediately. We opted for the CVS. The risk of miscarriage with the CVS was lower than the risk of Downs Syndrome with our measurements and I, as a worrier, would worry myself and the baby into misery if I didn't know something.

They moved us to another room for the procedure. They stuck a long needle (twice!) into my uterus through my belly and extracted some of the placenta which was then sent off to be analyzed for chromosomal abnormalities. By Tuesday we'll get a definitive answer for Downs and a few of the other more common chromosomal abnormalities, like Turner Syndrome. It will be 10 to 14 days before we get back the results for the litany of other possible abnormalities, most of which are very rare.

There is a very good chance the baby is just fine and healthy. There is the possibility that the fluid is not an indicator of a chromosomal abnormality but indicates a heart defect, the most common of which can be corrected by surgery at birth. There is always the chance the baby has Downs or some other syndrome. And then we have to make the difficult decision about whether to continue on or not. Quite honestly, I think the answer is that we wouldn't continue, but we'll cross that bridge if we come to it.

We weren't expecting this. After the miscarriage I felt like I had gotten all of the bad stuff out of the way. Sometimes knowing so much just makes things more difficult. We had more early tests than most women in this process because of our involvement with our wonderful reproductive endocrinologist who followed us daily until releasing us to the OB. The OB has been wonderful and works in conjunction with the doctors at the Maternal and Fetal Medicine clinic. At 11 weeks, I have now had 5 ultrasounds and who knows how much blood drawn. Many women only have one ultrasound around 20 weeks. But I wouldn't trade it for anything because in the end, I will know I have done everything I possibly can to ensure this child enters the world healthy and safe.

If we get an all clear, the Maternal and Fetal Medicine doctors will do an echocardiogram on the baby at 17 and at 22 weeks, along with more in depth ultrasounds. We'll also continue with our OB. I couldn't ask for better care and for that we are so very thankful. I will keep you all posted on the outcome of the tests and hopefully have good news to share on Tuesday. Until then, we're off to the mountains for the long weekend, to relax and just to be.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Too Long

I know it has been way too long since my last blog entry. Everything over here is pretty unremarkable, which I think is a good sign. My pants still do not fit and last week we had to go buy a couple of new pairs - not maternity pants but pants one size bigger.

I must admit I am a little distressed by the weight gain thus far. I have gained almost six pounds and we're only closing in on eleven weeks. I've struggled with my weight my entire life and although I was small to begin with, I have a hard time putting on weight, even though I know it is baby related. The problem is that it doesn't look or feel baby related right now. I feel like I look fat, not pregnant. I'm still a vegetarian, still eating well, and still exercising. Sigh....

We have had two OB appointments and had brief ultrasounds at both. The bebe is looking great and our doctor announced at the last appointment he thought this would be a perfect pregnancy. I hope he is right! We have our appointment for non-invasive Downs Syndrome testing this Thursday at a maternal fetal medicine clinic. Our next OB appointment won't be until June.

On Wednesday we are meeting with a potential doula. I've spoken to her once on the phone and really liked her. She will do two prenatal visits and one postnatal visit. She recommended laboring at home for as long as possible and she will come to our house to be with us during that time and then travel to the hospital. I was happy to hear her recommendations on laboring at home because I would like to stay at home for as long as possible.

We are just starting to buy a few things for the little one. Last week I bought an Amby Baby Hammock Motion Bed from a woman who advertised it on Craigslist. She didn't use it but one night before they put their baby in bed with them so it is really brand new. We hope to have it in our room for the first couple of months and then move it into the nursery. Have any of you used the Amby Baby Hammock Motion Bed? This I know is just the first of many purchases.

Monday, May 5, 2008

Little Arms and Legs

We saw the little ones arms and legs and he or she was swimming all around today. It was amazing and such a change from the last ultrasound. Heart was beating 180 beats per minute and all looks well. We are officially released from the RE and tomorrow morning we have our first appointment with our OB. It is all starting to sink in and I am growing more excited with each passing day. And with each passing day I realize that there is so much I do not know, so much to prepare for, and really so little time. For now, we will take everything day by day and the days will turn into weeks, and the weeks into months and before we know it, December and the little one will arrive and we will be wondering where all the time went.

Friday, May 2, 2008

My Pants Don't Fit

It happened about a week ago. My pants got tighter. In the hips and thighs nonetheless. This, I was convinced was not pregnancy-related weight. After all, this little being inside of me was only the size of a blueberry. A blueberry does not make your pants tight. My pants don't fit and I am having a hard time with it.

Otherwise, I must say I am feeling pretty lucky. I have had no sickness or true nausea, only a crummy blah feeling in my tummy for most of the afternoon and evening. The tiredness has set in and I admit to closing my office door and taking more than one nap with my head down on my desk during the middle of the day. I've even drooled a few times.

Next ultrasound with Dr. W. is Monday. He said if all looks well at that time, the statistics show a 90% chance of not having a miscarriage in my age group. I'll breathe a little easier after we pass that mark. We will then be released to the OB, with whom we have an appointment on Tuesday morning. So, look for lots of updates from me next week. Until then, we're off to Carolina Beach for the weekend. See you all next week!

Monday, April 21, 2008

A Tiny Heart Beat

We saw and heard a tiny little heart beat on Friday. A HEARTBEAT! Dana teared up and I was transfixed on the ultrasound monitor in complete amazement. There is a living being inside me! We have one more ultrasound on May 5th with our wonderful RE and then he releases us to the OB with whom we have an appointment on May 8th. All is well.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Mayo and Other Musings

On Sunday we planned our dinners for the week. It is much easier when we do this because I can plan, buy groceries ahead of time and even do some of the prep the day before so when we get home from work we are not eating at 9 PM. I'd never make it that long. Not now and never before - I get food grumpy and it isn't pretty. So, Monday night's dinner was to be a spring cous cous with a honey lemon vinaigrette. But by 5 PM I was craving a veggie burger. Not just any veggie burger but a brand we don't typically buy and it had to have mayo on it. As a rule, prior to this craving of course, mayo does not grace my sandwiches of any kind; mayo is reserved for potato salad and other similar edibles, but never burgers or sandwiches - until Monday night. It is now Wednesday and we still haven't had the cous cous so the dinner schedule has been completely thrown off. I fear this is just the beginning....

Monday, April 14, 2008

And So It Begins

I'm tired. Really tired. Not all the time, but by 9:30 each night I am asleep in Dana's lap on the couch while she sips red wine and unwinds from her day. And then I wake up what seems like every 20 minutes to go to the bathroom. Now, my bladder has always been the size of a pea and there is never a night I don't get up three to four times to go to the bathroom. But, I kid you not, last night I think I got up at least seven times, maybe eight or even nine. I have no idea. Part of this is mental, stemming from a mountaineering trip nearly ten years ago on Mt. Baker. We were snowed in for a week. I mean snowed in - whiteout conditions - I couldn't see my hand when I held it out in front of my body. So what do you do all day in a three person tent when you can't go anywhere? Sleep. If you don't get up to go outside to the bathroom, and you hold it all in, it takes more of your body's energy to heat the fluid you've accumulated in your bladder. When you rid your body of the fluid, you stay warmer because less energy is used to keep the fluid at 98.6, and, the key part for me, you sleep warmer and sounder. My mind reverts back to "if you just get up now and take care of this issue, you won't have to worry about it for a good while and you will sleep better." Am I making any sense? I know my cozy house is not a tent nor do we ever have whiteout conditions in N.C. However, my mind urges me to combat this problem immediately upon of feeling the slightest urge. Sigh....

Otherwise, I feel fine. No nausea. Nothing. This scares me a bit. I do not want to feel terrible...but I do...but I don't...I just want some confirmation our little embryo is still growing and cells dividing like crazy inside of me. Understandably, I'm still a little guarded from the miscarriage. We're counting down the days until our first ultrasound on Friday at 1:30 and I hope to breathe a big sigh of relief once we see Sweepy-D in utero, heart beating away.

Monday, April 7, 2008

More Beta

Beta was 617 today and the nurse believes today's blood test was the last one needed, barring any unforeseen circumstances. Next stop: vaginal ultrasound.

Friday, April 4, 2008

We're Doubling

The results of this morning's blood test show my HCG levels are 188. 188 is higher than my HCG ever was last time. That's a doubling time of 1.38 days. I was cautiously optimistic after the blood test on Wednesday, but now my mind has eased a bit. One more blood test on Monday and if all is well, the RE will schedule a vaginal ultrasound. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this little soul inside me sticks it out.

Tomorrow promises to bring rain and thunderstorms here which will afford me some warm and cozy time at home with Dana who has been out of town for three days this week. My plan is to begin knitting one of the hats from the Itty Bitty Hats book and I think I can probably finish one tomorrow. And I think I might try to find a new recepie with apples. We subscribe to a service here called "Absolute Organics" and they deliver organic produce to our house every other week. This week there were a handful of apples that we won't be able to finish unless I do something with them. Suggestions?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

It's For Real!

Because we had a positive test at home yesterday, the RE brought me in this morning for a blood test. No waiting until Friday for official confirmation. Beta came back 68.9. Woo hoo! They are changing my progesterone from Crinone gel to suppositories to give the good ole uterus a little extra boost. Thank you all for your kind comments and most of all for the support. And Kelly, yes, I too am glad I am not straight - for many reasons! :)

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

More Than A Pink Ghost

Last time we tested on day 11 with negative results. But Dana leaves today for three days out of town and we wanted to be together just in case we saw the elusive pink line. Well, it appeared this morning about 6:30 AM. More than a pink ghost. I must say I am still cautiously optimistic and will not really believe it until I test again tomorrow morning. Or probably until we get through ALL the blood tests. And probably the first vaginal ultrasound. Can this really be?

Monday, March 31, 2008

Triple Tagged!

Wow. I've been triple tagged! Here goes.

For Jessie at Love+Love=Marriage and In Loco Parentis:

What is on my bedside table?

The rules -
Reference back to the blog that tagged you. Then post what you’ve got on the table (chair, nightstand, whatever) beside your bed. Leave nothing out. Nothing. Tag 3 other folks.

I must admit my bedside table is not very exciting. I hate clutter. Absolutely hate it. So, my bedside table merely houses the alarm clock, the basal body thermometer, the remote control for the fan, and some sheet spray from the Good Home Company. I also have a book on the bottom shelf, Bees in America. I'm still on my honeybee kick.

For the above meme, I tag Notes from Two Moms, Growing Our Little Bean Part II, and Mommy on the Floor.

For Lizzie at Two Chicks in Pursuit of a Babe:

Make A List of Five Things You Have to Get Done This Week, No Matter How Small

The Rules -
Reference back to the blog that sent you. Make a list of 5 things that you have to get done this week, no matter how small. Tag 2 other people.

My to-do list:
1) Buy tickets for this May's Lake Eden Arts Festival in Black Mountain, North Carolina. (If any of you are in the area, or even if you are not and want to travel, this is a great festival. Join us!)
2) Email the jeweler who made Dana's wedding ring about a chip in one of her sapphires.
3) Buy a membership to the Levine Museum of the New South (one of my very best friend is the director of development and I promised I would before the end of March.)
4) Over seed our lawn.
5) Take a home pregnancy test (or two, or three!)

For this meme I tag Sarah at Mrs. Bluemont's House of Things and In Loco Parentis.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Still Here, Still Waiting

8 DPO and still waiting. Waiting for the two week wait to conclude. Waiting for any sign prior to the conclusion. I got nothin' so far but I am still cautiously optimistic. Earlier on in this two week wait dare I say that something inside of me that I cannot explain told me a little blastocyst was making its way down my fallopian tubes and preparing itself to settle in for nine months. That same something inside me has been telling me the past two days that this cycle will end with the two week wait and we'll be back to square one just in time for an April IUI. Tomorrow that feeling will probably tell me something entirely different and equally as confusing, corroborated by my less than helpful temperature chart that looks nothing like any of my past cycles.

Monday, March 24, 2008

3 days down, 11 to go

OK, maybe 9 to go, if do a home pregnancy test on Wednesday the 2nd. Friday the 4th is the day the RE will have me in for a blood test if I do not start my cycle. I thought this two week wait was going to be easy because I have been waiting since Friday, February 1st, the day we knew the pregnancy was over. We waited to miscarry. Then we waited for the next cycle to start. Then we waited to ovulate. All the waiting totaled about 7 weeks. I thought surely these two weeks would go by in a flash after all that waiting. Nope. Not in the least. Sigh....

Friday, March 21, 2008

Release!

Swimmers have been released. The IUI went much more smoothly this time than in January and I had very little cramping. Hopefully this is a sign of good things to come. Happy Friday!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Tomorrow, Tomorrow

Blood work showed progesterone was not high enough to indicate ovulation so we go back tomorrow morning. If numbers look good tomorrow, then the insemination will be tomorrow. I suspected this might be the case as today is CD 14. Prior to the miscarriage, I pretty consistently ovulated on CD 15, or at least no earlier than CD 15. It all works out just fine because I have an acupuncture appointment this evening to help build Qi and move the little egg down the fallopian tubes. Go egg go!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Surging!

The smiley face appeared this morning and my excitement is building for our upcoming insemination. Could we be lucky enough to get pregnant again? Two times in a row? And have this one last the full 40 weeks? Seems a lot to ask of the powers that be but I am holding out hope nonetheless. Blood test will be tomorrow at 7 AM and if progesterone levels indicate ovulation, the swimmers will be released around 11 AM. Hooray!

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Meet Tango



Meet our newest addition, a baby mini-lop we call Tango. Isn't Tango the cutest baby bunny you've ever seen?

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

The Break Down

I have this Golden Rule I abide by when running road races. Never wear the race T-Shirt, not even to sleep in, unless I've accomplished the goal and finished the race. I suppose I have always felt it will jinx me in some less-than-positive way. And so I pledged with all things baby - do not buy a thing until we've accomplished our goal and we're pregnant, very pregnant. We did not break my unspoken rule, even for the brief month I was pregnant in January.

We broke down last night while working at our one night a week part time gig. I came across this onesie at our store, and we bought it. Sweat Peas are my very favorite flower and practically from the day we met, Dana has called me Sweet Pea. We couldn't resist. Sigh. I hope we have not jinxed ourselves....

Monday, March 10, 2008

Here We Go Again

Here we are. CD 4. Waiting again. There is way too much waiting in this game we play. I've been waiting for CD1 since February 1st, the day the RE told us I would miscarry. CD1 seemed it would never arrive and of course it did not arrive on time. To be expected after such an event I suppose. Now we wait for the day to start OPK testing. And then we wait for the positive. And then for the results of the blood test. And then for the IUI. And then the two week wait. So much damn waiting.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

A Tribute To Our BUN

I have been mulling this post in my head for a long while, unsure of where to start or exactly what to write. As I was in the grocery store this afternoon, I passed our BUN's favorite staples - kale, parsley, cilantro, apples. Tearing up, I realized I would never find the exact words to pay tribute to the BUN. There is no happy ending to this story, but plenty of happy and love up to the very end.

I will begin with the tragic end so I can move on to and finish with what is to be remembered about our little guy. Week before last Dana and I headed to New Orleans; I had a work seminar to attend. As is our regular practice, we brought our two dogs and the BUN to my mother for safe keeping while we were away. Shortly after my plane landed on Wednesday morning I called my mother, not to check in, but just to call. She answered the phone in a groggy voice and I assumed I woke her from sleep. Within seconds I realized what I sensed in her voice was not tiredness, but sadness. "The BUN died last night" she said. I was in shock. He wasn't old. He wasn't sick. "What happened?"

A little background....When the BUN visits and stays with my mother he lived cage free in her over-sized bathroom. He was litter trained and absolutely loved the freedom so life was good. Except for the pack of dogs that have longed to get in the bathroom for the past years. The bathroom door is kept closed religiously.

But not that night. My mother was in the bathroom, cleaning the BUN's litter and left a crack in the door. In an instant the lab mix nosed her way into the bathroom and in less than a few seconds had the BUN in her mouth. The little guy died of shock as is common in rabbits when they are severely stressed. Their little hearts already beats 130 to 350 times a minute so it takes very little to send them into a state from which the heart will not recover.

So here is a tribute to our BUN and all the wonderful years we spent with him. While he often chewed our carpet, the baseboards, the laptop charger cord, the sheet rock in the garage, and various other household items, he provided us with much entertainment through his antics and his larger than life personality. He loved us with all of his little bunny heart and we loved him. My fondest memories are burying my face in his soft fur while he let me nuzzle with him for minutes on end. And it will probably be a long, long, long time before I can walk through the produce at the grocery store without thoughts of the BUN hopping through my head.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

My First Tagging

Thank you j. k-c. for tagging me. I am now no longer a tagging virgin.

Here are the rules:
1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more
2. Turn to page 123
3. Find the first five sentences and write them down
4. Invite five friends to do the same

OK, so I am a bit of a dork and my latest interest is the colony collapse disorder phenomena whereby honeybees are disappearing from their hives for unexplained reasons. They aren't dying in the hives, just flat out disappearing. This is really quite scary once one realizes just how important the honeybee is to our food sources. I digress.... This has sparked my interest in the amazing honeybee and so right now I am reading Sweetness and Light, The Mysterious History of the Honeybee by Hattie Ellis which is on my bedside stand.

There are only four sentences on page 123 because the majority of the page is taken up by a sketch of the directions below. The following words describe how to track down a honeybee in 18th Century America and was formulated by Paul Dudley in 1721:

"His book, an account of a method found in New England for discovering where the bees hive in the woods in order to get their honey, advises putting honey on a plate or trencher and releasing a bee that has been caught foraging. Mark the line it takes on a piece of paper. Then go to another spot not too far away, and release another bee. The two angles marked together will help the hunter find the direction of the tree."

It seems most of you have already been tagged since I am late in the game here so sadly, I am failing on my duty to tag others. Oh well....

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Let It Rain

I realize a lot of you are getting hit had with snow right about now, and I do love the snow. But right now it is storming, thundering and lightening here and I love it. One of my favorite things to do is to watch a summer thunderstorm roll in across the ocean or the mountains and feel the breeze on my face in the calm before the storm. Once the storm is upon me there is no place I'd rather be than in a shelter with a metal roof or somewhere I can truly hear the rain. Today that is not a possibility but being on the 34th floor with a big glass window looking out across the landscape isn't so bad. I'd much rather be inside and working in my cozy office on a day like today than on most other days. I can hear the rain as it hits the windows and watch the varying shades of gray change across the sky. What a wonderful rainy day.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Still Here

Yes, it seems like I've been on hiatus for a while. No, there is no major crisis or extraordinary event to share. The boring truth is I (and we) have just been plain busy. So busy that each night I can barely keep my eyes open for the hour before my head hits the pillow. Like right now. Here's what has been keeping me busy:
  • Work, it is picking up which is a good thing. For example, last week I had to drive three hours each way to Durham, NC, two days in a row. Tomorrow I have a hearing in Statesville, N.C. Thus, I seem to have less time to post during the day. I still find time to read all of your blogs though. :)
  • Dana's sister was in town from last Wednesday through Sunday. On Sunday we had two more house guests for one night.
  • Saturday night we attended the annual Carolinas HRC Gala. Kathy Najimy was the keynote speaker and HRC president Joe Solmonese also addressed the attendees. It was a great evening.
  • I worked my second job (yes, I have a second job at a a backpacking gear shop) last Tuesday night, all day Sunday, and last night.
My yarn for the baby hats arrived and I haven't even had time to knit! I usually try to knit most nights but I can't remember the last time I picked up my latest project. Sigh.

I went to acupuncture today during lunch and my acupuncturist noted that today is CD 17 for me. I had no idea. It was such a bizarre realization that I don't even know what cycle day it is. Since the miscarriage, the mandated opt out for this cycle, and the unknown return of the normal cycle, I have not been charting, counting, or even thinking about ovulation. The truth is that I have felt a sense of relief during this hiatus. This relief has been juxtaposed against my readiness to jump back onto the ride and the wait to do so. Although I have hardly taken note of each day's passing and the miniature milestones we would be reaching with what was the little bean inside of me, yesterday would have been our first appointment and ultrasound with our OB after being released from the RE. And that made me sad and remorseful again for the first time in a long while. Here's to hoping the days continue to pass and turn into weeks and before we know it we're inseminating again in mid-March!

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Today

Today was the first day the sadness subsided enough that I didn't feel resentment each time I saw a pregnant woman or an infant. There was perhaps some longing to be that person in the future, but my bitterness was nearly non-existent. I would be lying if I said that at least once a day I didn't think "I should be almost seven weeks pregnant right now." But it is progress. It was such a good day today that when I was browsing at the library (I love the library and could spend hours upon hours there) and saw Itty-Bitty Hats: Cute and Cuddly Caps to Knit for Babies and Toddlers, I actually checked it out with the intention of knitting a few hats in the near future for Sweepy-D. It made me happy, not sad, and I can't wait to buy some yarn for these projects.

The rest of the day was also highly productive. Dana and I got up early and took the dogs to the park for a three mile walk before getting hot chocolate for me (I do not like coffee) and a latte for Dana. Then I bathed the dogs because they chose to roll in a dead fish on our walk. After ensuring the dead fish smell was successfully washed away, I syphoned water and cleaned the aquarium before setting off to run errands while Dana did school work. I got my eyebrows waxed, went to the grocery store, and also bought a couple of new fish for the aquarium before returning home. The rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning up the two garden beds so they are ready for planting in the spring and pooper scooping the yard. As I type this I have sweet potato fries in the oven and I'll throw some veggie burgers on the grill soon before we settle in for a wonderful night cuddling and watching movies. Happy Saturday!

Friday, February 8, 2008

We're down to 5

HSG levels today were 5 and while I know that here in the trying to conceive blogland those numbers are usually nothing to celebrate, but today they are. This means my body has almost completely returned to normal and we can move forward. The nurse even said she thinks I'll likely be back to a 28 day cycle which would put CD1 right around March 2nd or so. That means IUI #2 will be mid-March if all goes well. Now, if I can just make it through the hurry up and wait.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Incredible Shrinking Boobs

I am back to an A. Sigh. For once in my life I was a B. Now I've returned to familiarity and I can walk down the stairs at home without a bra on, none the wiser to this nightly event. The tenderness has subsided too. The only lingering element I would now like to disappear is the bleeding, although it is significantly better than Monday, or even Tuesday for that matter. Monday was terrible and I had cramping like I have never had before. Yesterday and today have been much better and things are looking (and lightening) up. Next blood test is Friday.

Monday, February 4, 2008

New Beginnings

The bleeding started today and surprisingly, other than the pretty severe cramps, I feel much better. I am ready to get this show on the road and move forward. My blood test this morning showed my HCG level at 80, down from 217 on Friday. The faster it dwindles, the sooner my body can start to heal and prepare again. Hopefully the blood test this Friday will show non-detectable HCG levels.

Now I just need to occupy myself in the coming weeks until we can try again. We already have a few distractions on our schedule.

February 22nd-24th we head back to Conley Cabin in VA for a weekend in the woods with our friends.

I bought us tickets to see Stomp on February 26th. We've never seen any production of Stomp so we are very excited.

February 27th-March 2nd we will be in New Orleans for a toxic torts conference (work related for me). Benefit - the conference is at the Ritz so of course that is where the Firm makes our lodging reservations. Nice. There are benefits to working for the Man sometimes. While I'm in mundane seminars and hearing speakers all day, Dana will be out frolicking. That Friday through Sunday we'll spend visiting my 96 year old grandfather and my aunt who also live in New Orleans.

March - IUI #2! Date, TBD. Here's to new beginnings!

Saturday, February 2, 2008

I hope the Grateful Dead are right

I hope the first days are the hardest days. The past 24 hours have been an emotional whirlwind. Yesterday nurse wonderful called me at work to give me the blood test results. She said "it isn't good" and told me my HCG level fell from 271 on Tuesday to 218 yesterday. They will get us right back on the wagon as soon as we go through this process. "How long?" I asked. 5 or 6 days until I start bleeding and then probably three weeks until my cycle starts again. We can go for it again that cycle. Great. But that seems so far away - March if you add it all up. I hung up the phone, called Dana immediately and had only time to leave a message before a 1:30 conference call. No time to process it all, not to mention keeping myself together while at work.

It was 2:30 before I even had time to eat lunch and my sweet girl brought me my favorite veggies from Lupie's Cafe. It was still sinking in. At 5:00 it did not seem like the weekend. Not much to look forward to.

When I got in the car, Dana was waiting with a dozen roses. We both broke down and cried for the first time. We talked. We cried some more. I know this is for the best. Something was probably wrong with the little poppy seed, but nonetheless, there is still pain.

I've thought perhaps it was all too easy for us. Then I get frustrated that this whole process really isn't easy for any of us. We were just lucky on the first try, but it still takes oodles of planning, finding a sperm source, blood testing, and multiple visits to the doctor. And then I wonder why the powers that be would hit any of us with a doubly whammy. 1) It is hard enough to conceive and 2) when you do, then you have to make it through without miscarrying. This goes for any woman with infertility issues, not just those of us who are lumped into that category because we have no readily available sperm.

Oscillating in between all of those feelings, I have experienced moments of calm and acceptance. Those are the best moments. Hopefully they will become the predominate moments and all of this will slowly fade away. In the end, I am sure the instant our child comes into this world none of this will matter and we will have forgotten about it all. I cannot wait for that day to arrive.

Friday, February 1, 2008

It's Over

HCG levels dropped. I'll miscarry soon, probably within 5-6 days since I am so early in the pregnancy. Not much more to write at this moment.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Waiting

This is worse than the two week wait and this wait of mine is only two full days. I know I was lucky enough to only experience the TWW once, thus far, and I am sure I would not feel the same if I had the roller coaster ride most do. Nonetheless, Friday's blood test seems years away. Of course I've googled a gazillion different variations of "slow HCG rise," "HCG not doubling," and "HCG low, progesterone fine." The results feel like a punch in the stomach - miscarriage as a very real possibility. I keep telling myself my numbers weren't drastically low, 271 instead of 320, and the progesterone and estrogen are fine. But statistically, the HCG didn't double as it should have. And I am sad, so very sad. Hopeful, but sad. I didn't realize how much I love this little soul inside me until the possible threat we might lose it. And last night when I got home, there was a package from my mother on the doorstep waiting for Dana and me. Inside was a Beatrix Potter baby book with pages just waiting to be filled out and two infant outfits. I cried. Today I asked her not to send anything else yet and to just hold on. We're all holding on.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Beta Update

First, I have to say that Dr. W's nurse is quite possibly the sweetest nurse I have ever met. If the world were coming to an end, she would make it seem alright. She called back a few minutes ago and wouldn't you know it happened to be the two minutes I stepped out of my office to go to the bathroom. Murphy's law. Her message said that my estrogen and progesterone levels "are enough to support a pregnancy" so I suppose they are not quite as concerned although they do want us back for another blood test Friday morning. If all goes well on Friday, they will schedule us for an ultrasound the following week.

My next acupuncture appointment is Thursday and I have a call into my wonderful acupuncturist to see if she thinks I should come in before then since I couldn't make last week's appointment. Perhaps I just need my qi to be helped along a little bit.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for all of your support. Within moments of my last posting I was reassured with your kind words. I could not immediately get Dana on the phone, and it was great to know all of you are out there for me and us when we need a pick-me-up.

Today's Beta

We went in this morning for the third beta test. The nurse just called and I don't know how to feel. Today's numbers are 271 which seems to be a slight cause for concern. She said they like to see numbers in the 320s at this time and she's ordered some further tests to determine progesterone levels and estrogen levels. She also said she has given this info to our RE but he hasn't commented yet.

I asked what this all meant and she explained if my progesterone levels are high (in the 20s) then my body is preparing for pregnancy. If not, there may be a miscarriage soon. She assured me I did not need to worry now and they would call me back later this afternoon. She said often times the numbers catch right up to the appropriate level. How can I not worry? I am a worrier even in the best of circumstances. Was it all too good to be true because it all came so easily?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The Wishful Writer

One of my dearest friends has been nominated as a 2008 Bloggie Finalist in the GLBT category. Wow! Check out her blog here. She's up against the likes of Perez Hilton who has 10 million readers a day so if you like what you read, you can vote for her by going here. Did I mention that she is an all-round great person too? She can make you laugh your ass off. Really.

In a side note, my beta was 147 today. Hooray! One more beta next Tuesday.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

First Beta

I apologize in advance for the short post, but (fortunately) work has picked up and so I do not have a plethora of time today, not to mention I was away yesterday and Monday was a holiday. Sigh. Work is good, right?

Monday our beta numbers came back in the 60s. Tomorrow we go back for another blood test to confirm the numbers are increasing accordingly. I have so much more running through my head to write about - like I've always been a 32 A and now I can actually feel my boobs bounce when I walk down the stairs at home without a bra on. I think I am more marveled at this than anything else so far. Ha!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Why Birthday Cake Makes Everything Better (Part II)

Two pink lines! Positive test #1: 8:15 AM yesterday. Positive test #2: 7:30 PM yesterday. Positive test #3: 6:15 AM today. We are still in a cloud of wonder and amazement. I keep asking myself why we are the lucky ones, the one hit wonders. I cannot help feel a bit of guilt when I know there are so many traveling down this path that have to ride this roller coaster for months and even years before they conceive. My heart goes out to all of you and I am sending you any residual luck I may have left over!

Nonetheless, we are overjoyed, to say the least. Our RE will want to confirm with a blood test. As I posted previously, I have to be in another city, 120 miles away, for work at 10 AM so they are letting me come in today and will have the beta back to us later this afternoon.

Dana says she knew all along. She says there were signs. I discounted all of those signs:

Sore chest/breasts - the day before this sign appeared I worked out at the gym, doing various upper body strength training.

Sore abdominal area - again, the day before the sore abs appeared, I was at the gym and my workout included multiple reps on the ab machine.

Gassy - I am a vegetarian. I am always gassy. What else can I say?

Hungry - I am always hungry. Dana says I've been more finicky about what I eat. This is perhaps true.

There you have it, in a nutshell. Still in disbelief. Did I say that already? :)

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Why Birthday Cake Makes Everything Better (Part I)

Two of our dearest friends have twin boys that turned one year old on Friday. We have followed their journey from the first IUI through the fourth, from their birth through the first year. Sometimes I cannot even imagine how much I will love our own children because I love these boys so very much. So here are a few reasons why birthday cake makes everything better:



Dana and the boys

Part II to come....

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Nope

We tested this morning at 6:15. Negative. I am not as disheartened as I thought I would be. I know the result could change tomorrow or the next day, although I do not hold out much hope it will. The statistics show First Response can detect pregnancy in 83% of women three days before a missed period. Sure I could be one of the 17% but I think that not likely. Nonetheless, we will try again tomorrow.

Some of our closest friends have twin boys who were conceived after four rounds of IUI, all with Clomid. The boys turned one yesterday and their first birthday party is this afternoon. We can't wait! Those beautiful boys always remind me this whole process is worthwhile.

Friday, January 18, 2008

The Countdown

Today is 10 days post IUI and either 10 or 11 days post ovulation, depending on who you ask - the RE or fertility friend. No testing today. I am trying to hold out until Sunday but the box of First Response Early Result is taunting me from our bathroom counter. Here is the worst part. If this cycle is unsuccessful, Tuesday should be CD1. I can handle that. New beginnings. BUT if by some stroke of luck we have a positive test result, and my cycle does not start, Dr. W. wants us in for a blood test on Tuesday. A few hours ago a partner asked me to represent one of his clients at a mediation on Tuesday that he cannot attend - out of town. I am low on the totem pole and although I could say no, that would not be a wise answer on my part. So Tuesday I'll be traveling for work without the chance for a blood test. But why worry when it seems likely we won't even need one? Happy long weekend to you all!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Snow, Southern Style

Yes, it snowed here in Charlotte, North Carolina sometime last night. No more than an inch. By morning the precipitation changed to rain. All of you out there lucky enough to be in New England or other snowy places would find this comical. Schools are closed. Business are closed. The court system is closed. By the time rush hour started, some snow lingered on grassy areas but not a flake on the roads. Just rain. Watching the local morning news (which, by the way, preempted the Today Show and all other national morning news programs due to the "winter storm") you would have thought this was the biggest natural disaster since Katrina hit New Orleans. Seriously. The footage showed snow plows plowing nothing (this city has over a million people and 32 snow plows, up from the previous 16), reporters standing roadside picking up snow that could not even amount to enough to form a snowball, and local police officers warning people to stay off the roads. After years of living in New England and Alaska, we just laugh at the silly North Carolinians, who are probably all still nestled up at home with their bread and milk while we are at work. I am not sure what you even make with bread and milk. Milk toast? What is that anyway?

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

One Week Down, One To Go

We've made it through the first week of the two week wait plus a day. Today is 8 days post IUI. Time has passed slowly, although I must admit it has not been nearly as terrible as I expected. I still have no symptoms. No matter how much I analyze my body and wish for bigger boobs, nothing seems to appear. Admittedly, I am cautiously optimistic, but not expecting a pregnancy this cycle. I know, I know, I know. Every woman is different and it could still be possible. So, we still hold out hope and will be pleasantly surprised if we get a positive.

I'm trying to hold off until Sunday to test, which will be 12 days post IUI. I have a feeling I might breakdown and test Saturday, but I promised Dana no more than one test per day. If I do not start my cycle, then the RE wants us in for a blood test on Tuesday. Next week seems so far away. Sigh...

Friday, January 11, 2008

Oh, the Waiting....

Officially we are now 3 days post ovulation and insemination, although fertility friend thinks I am four days past ovulation. Not sure which to believe, our RE and the blood test, or fertility friend and the temps. I admit I have a love/hate relationship with fertility friend. I know the first part of this cycle was a little wacky because we went to Alaska which is a four hour time difference AND I was sick for most of the days we were there. But since our return on the 1st, everything has returned to normal, whatever that is.

Time is passing ever so slowly. Sigh. I have no symptoms. Zero. Nada. Zilch. But I am only 3 days into this whole waiting thing. I am trying to be cautiously optimistic. Statistically, one of us has to be a one hit wonder, right?

To distract me from my ever-present wondering, in a few hours I depart for an all weekend work event. Although normally I would not be thrilled at the prospect of spending my weekend listening to various panels about how women can succeed in the big male-dominated law firm world and how to use our individual strengths in achieving our goals, the entire program is being held at the Umstead Hotel and Spa, a swanky getaway that we would never go to otherwise. I even get a 50 minute facial on Saturday as part of the weekend - on the firm! Dana will drive up today after work to meet me there to lounge in our plush hotel room all weekend. She starts school again next week (she works full time and is getting her masters degree) and this will be a great way to relax before her chaos begins again.

Happy Friday!

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

The Swimmers Are In

When we pulled up to the RE clinic just before 7:00 AM for our blood test we saw one other woman waiting for the doors to open. As we walked up we realized this person was one of our good friends; she and her partner actually accompanied us on our trip to VA. Wouldn't it be great if we were pregnant at exactly the same time? This will be her 6th round of IUI - the first three were not medicated and she has been on Clomid the last three. It was great to see her there and to have a familiar face walk us through the so very rote procedure that seems to happen at the clinic each morning.

At 7:00 AM women who are scheduled for lab work line up outside. Once the doors open, everyone files in and takes the elevator up to the second floor where all walk into the office and resume their place in line according to the order they arrived while waiting for the doors to open. Everyone signs in, gets their lab order paperwork and gets back on the elevator to go to the third floor. Two women at a time get their blood drawn and then head back downstairs to check out. It all happens in less than 10 minutes. I cannot even begin to tell you how many women are there - and this happens every morning, including Saturday and Sunday.

Dana commented how it is so bizarre that the clinic can be such a happy and sad place all at the same time. She also noticed that many of the women seem embarrassed to be patients there. I do not feel this because I do not necessarily think I am infertile; we just need some help with the sperm part. My heart goes out to them all though, because ultimately, we are in the same boat.

A nurse is scheduled to call between 9:30 and 10:00 AM to let us (and everyone else) know if my progesterone levels indicate I am in fact ovulating. If so, we are to return at 11:00 AM for the IUI. 9:30 - no call. 10:00 - no call. 10:30 - no call. I call and leave a message. 11:00 no call. 11:10 the nurse calls and says the machine that analyzes the progesterone is broken so they had to send all the blood work to a local hospital's lab. The hospital promised to have the results back by 10:30 but failed to do so. They would call when they get the results back. 11:20 - the nurse called back and said, "Today is the day. Can you be here at 11:45?" Absolutely I say. Dana is on her way to pick me up.

Unfortunately our RE is in surgery today so the doctor du jour was charged with performing the IUI. I was a little uneasy because he tried two catheters and then asked me if I knew which way my uterus slanted. What? Isn't he supposed to know that? Dr. W. has done ultrasounds and an HSG so perhaps it would be in my records somewhere? I have seen my uterus on a screen multiple times and all I was ever told is everything is normal up in there. I mean this is an RE clinic and they only work with fertility patients so this must be routine. Anyway, they moved us across the hall to another room so he could do an ultrasound and check out the slant of my uterus.

Next thing I know I feel a slight ache and the swimmers are in. We are told to wait 10 minutes and then I can dress and go on about my day. It was all so very uneventful. Dana was so incredibly sweet the whole time. She rubbed my belly and told the swimmers to keep swimming, she held my hand, and the best part was that I could truly see the excitement in her eyes too. She is so very supportive and I would not for one minute want to be on this journey with anyone else.

So now we wait, and wait, and wait. I am up for any bits of wisdom from those of you that have gone before me about how to make it through the two week wait and when you tested. Anything else any of you want to share is always welcome. Enlighten me!

Monday, January 7, 2008

We Have a Smiley Face!

I started testing last Thursday, CD 10, just to be safe. In November the positive showed up on CD 17 and last month I the positive showed up on CD 13. My acupuncturist believes the shift forward to be due to my weekly sessions that started the middle of October and my RE also believed the earlier ovulation to be much better than the previous month. I strongly believe I am seeing beneficial results from acupuncture because not only am I ovulating earlier, but my cycle length has decreased, I no longer have sore breasts before my period and my period is much lighter. I digress...

We splurged for the digital tests this month and there it was this morning. A big smiley face! At 7 AM tomorrow we will go in to the RE's office and for a blood test. The RE will have the results back within a couple of hours. If my progesterone levels are high enough to indicate ovulation, we will go back at 11 AM for the IUI. It is possible they will want to wait another day, in which case we will go back the following morning for another blood test and then IUI accordingly.

It seems like we have been waiting for this day for eons. OK, so really we have only been waiting a few months, but we are so very excited it is finally here. Soon we will be entering new territory...the two week wait.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

We're Back!

As I sit here in my office on the 34th floor, looking out my window, everything looks so flat - and small. No mountains as far as I can see. No snow either. Sigh... We are both very much wishing we were still in Alaska, or even back in the mountains of N.C., or anywhere but here!

Despite my somewhat persistent illness/cold that lasted the duration of our trip to Anchorage, we had an incredible time. We went snowshoeing for two days and cross country skiing for two days, had incredible lattes and hot chocolate (the baristas there are unlike any in the lower 48 it seems), ate great food (although I refuse to proclaim that Anchorage has the best Mexican food that has passed my lips - but it was good), and saw nine moose up close and personal.


Now the vacation is over and we are back to the daily grind. Without fail, I always become disgruntled when returning to work after time spent in the mountains - or anywhere that fills the soul. One day we will move to such a place but for many reasons, we are here in Charlotte for a bit longer. Really, life here is not so bad. We have wonderful friends, a great house, and we are not far from the mountains or the beach for that matter.

Nonetheless, our return to the south is bittersweet, because sometime in the next week we will have our first IUI. Tomorrow is day 10 of my cycle and we will start the OPK process. My excitement by far outweighs any anxiety or nervousness. I cannot believe after months and months of planning we have finally arrived at this time. Here we go!