Let It Rain

I realize a lot of you are getting hit had with snow right about now, and I do love the snow. But right now it is storming, thundering and lightening here and I love it. One of my favorite things to do is to watch a summer thunderstorm roll in across the ocean or the mountains and feel the breeze on my face in the calm before the storm. Once the storm is upon me there is no place I'd rather be than in a shelter with a metal roof or somewhere I can truly hear the rain. Today that is not a possibility but being on the 34th floor with a big glass window looking out across the landscape isn't so bad. I'd much rather be inside and working in my cozy office on a day like today than on most other days. I can hear the rain as it hits the windows and watch the varying shades of gray change across the sky. What a wonderful rainy day.

Still Here

Yes, it seems like I've been on hiatus for a while. No, there is no major crisis or extraordinary event to share. The boring truth is I (and we) have just been plain busy. So busy that each night I can barely keep my eyes open for the hour before my head hits the pillow. Like right now. Here's what has been keeping me busy:

• Work, it is picking up which is a good thing. For example, last week I had to drive three hours each way to Durham, NC, two days in a row. Tomorrow I have a hearing in Statesville, N.C. Thus, I seem to have less time to post during the day. I still find time to read all of your blogs though. :)
• Dana's sister was in town from last Wednesday through Sunday. On Sunday we had two more house guests for one night.
• Saturday night we attended the annual Carolinas HRC Gala. Kathy Najimy was the keynote speaker and HRC president Joe Solmonese also addressed the attendees. It was a great evening.
• I worked my second job (yes, I have a second job at a a backpacking gear shop) last Tuesday night, all day Sunday, and last night.

My yarn for the baby hats arrived and I haven't even had time to knit! I usually try to knit most nights but I can't remember the last time I picked up my latest project. Sigh.

I went to acupuncture today during lunch and my acupuncturist noted that today is CD 17 for me. I had no idea. It was such a bizarre realization that I don't even know what cycle day it is. Since the miscarriage, the mandated opt out for this cycle, and the unknown return of the normal cycle, I have not been charting, counting, or even thinking about ovulation. The truth is that I have felt a sense of relief during this hiatus. This relief has been juxtaposed against my readiness to jump back onto the ride and the wait to do so. Although I have hardly taken note of each day's passing and the miniature milestones we would be reaching with what was the little bean inside of me, yesterday would have been our first appointment and ultrasound with our OB after being released from the RE. And that made me sad and remorseful again for the first time in a long while. Here's to hoping the days continue to pass and turn into weeks and before we know it we're inseminating again in mid-March!

Today

Today was the first day the sadness subsided enough that I didn't feel resentment each time I saw a pregnant woman or an infant. There was perhaps some longing to be that person in the future, but my bitterness was nearly non-existent. I would be lying if I said that at least once a day I didn't think "I should be almost seven weeks pregnant right now." But it is progress. It was such a good day today that when I was browsing at the library (I love the library and could spend hours upon hours there) and saw Itty-Bitty Hats: Cute and Cuddly Caps to Knit for Babies and Toddlers, I actually checked it out with the intention of knitting a few hats in the near future for Sweepy-D. It made me happy, not sad, and I can't wait to buy some yarn for these projects.

The rest of the day was also highly productive. Dana and I got up early and took the dogs to the park for a three mile walk before getting hot chocolate for me (I do not like coffee) and a latte for Dana. Then I bathed the dogs because they chose to roll in a dead fish on our walk. After ensuring the dead fish smell was successfully washed away, I syphoned water and cleaned the aquarium before setting off to run errands while Dana did school work. I got my eyebrows waxed, went to the grocery store, and also bought a couple of new fish for the aquarium before returning home. The rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning up the two garden beds so they are ready for planting in the spring and pooper scooping the yard. As I type this I have sweet potato fries in the oven and I'll throw some veggie burgers on the grill soon before we settle in for a wonderful night cuddling and watching movies. Happy Saturday!

We're down to 5

HSG levels today were 5 and while I know that here in the trying to conceive blogland those numbers are usually nothing to celebrate, but today they are. This means my body has almost completely returned to normal and we can move forward. The nurse even said she thinks I'll likely be back to a 28 day cycle which would put CD1 right around March 2nd or so. That means IUI #2 will be mid-March if all goes well. Now, if I can just make it through the hurry up and wait.

The Incredible Shrinking Boobs

I am back to an A. Sigh. For once in my life I was a B. Now I've returned to familiarity and I can walk down the stairs at home without a bra on, none the wiser to this nightly event. The tenderness has subsided too. The only lingering element I would now like to disappear is the bleeding, although it is significantly better than Monday, or even Tuesday for that matter. Monday was terrible and I had cramping like I have never had before. Yesterday and today have been much better and things are looking (and lightening) up. Next blood test is Friday.

New Beginnings

The bleeding started today and surprisingly, other than the pretty severe cramps, I feel much better. I am ready to get this show on the road and move forward. My blood test this morning showed my HCG level at 80, down from 217 on Friday. The faster it dwindles, the sooner my body can start to heal and prepare again. Hopefully the blood test this Friday will show non-detectable HCG levels.

Now I just need to occupy myself in the coming weeks until we can try again. We already have a few distractions on our schedule.

February 22nd-24th we head back to Conley Cabin in VA for a weekend in the woods with our friends.

I bought us tickets to see Stomp on February 26th. We've never seen any production of Stomp so we are very excited.

February 27th-March 2nd we will be in New Orleans for a toxic torts conference (work related for me). Benefit - the conference is at the Ritz so of course that is where the Firm makes our lodging reservations. Nice. There are benefits to working for the Man sometimes. While I'm in mundane seminars and hearing speakers all day, Dana will be out frolicking. That Friday through Sunday we'll spend visiting my 96 year old grandfather and my aunt who also live in New Orleans.

March - IUI #2! Date, TBD. Here's to new beginnings!

I hope the Grateful Dead are right

I hope the first days are the hardest days. The past 24 hours have been an emotional whirlwind. Yesterday nurse wonderful called me at work to give me the blood test results. She said "it isn't good" and told me my HCG level fell from 271 on Tuesday to 218 yesterday. They will get us right back on the wagon as soon as we go through this process. "How long?" I asked. 5 or 6 days until I start bleeding and then probably three weeks until my cycle starts again. We can go for it again that cycle. Great. But that seems so far away - March if you add it all up. I hung up the phone, called Dana immediately and had only time to leave a message before a 1:30 conference call. No time to process it all, not to mention keeping myself together while at work.

It was 2:30 before I even had time to eat lunch and my sweet girl brought me my favorite veggies from Lupie's Cafe. It was still sinking in. At 5:00 it did not seem like the weekend. Not much to look forward to.

When I got in the car, Dana was waiting with a dozen roses. We both broke down and cried for the first time. We talked. We cried some more. I know this is for the best. Something was probably wrong with the little poppy seed, but nonetheless, there is still pain.

I've thought perhaps it was all too easy for us. Then I get frustrated that this whole process really isn't easy for any of us. We were just lucky on the first try, but it still takes oodles of planning, finding a sperm source, blood testing, and multiple visits to the doctor. And then I wonder why the powers that be would hit any of us with a doubly whammy. 1) It is hard enough to conceive and 2) when you do, then you have to make it through without miscarrying. This goes for any woman with infertility issues, not just those of us who are lumped into that category because we have no readily available sperm.

Oscillating in between all of those feelings, I have experienced moments of calm and acceptance. Those are the best moments. Hopefully they will become the predominate moments and all of this will slowly fade away. In the end, I am sure the instant our child comes into this world none of this will matter and we will have forgotten about it all. I cannot wait for that day to arrive.

It's Over

HCG levels dropped. I'll miscarry soon, probably within 5-6 days since I am so early in the pregnancy. Not much more to write at this moment.